Traveler of the mind..

2009-12-20T11:15:00.000-08:00

.. and you are my lonely song
playing at lonely hours
and you are my painted heaven
beneath the blanket of stars.

2009-03-30T14:22:00.002-07:00

Why can't I not think,

the many thoughts I always do?

Why can't I not think,

any thought, without you?

I thought I could always scribble.

One thought or another.

Or just make up some, sometimes.

I thought I could always tell.

One feeling from another.

Or just not feel something, sometimes.

I thought I could always forgive.

One mistake or another.

Or just forget that I was wrong, sometimes.

I thought I could always hide.

One pain or another.

Or just lie behind smiles, sometimes.

Why can't I not feel,

the love I always do?

Why can't I not be,

so hopelessly in love with you?

2009-03-18T11:52:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I am scribbled words.

Words that mean nothing.

Until someone comes along.

Someone gives them meaning.

Sometimes I am just a voice.

A voice midst all the noise, wiped out.

Until someone hears me.

Someone remembers my sound.

Sometimes I am just a picture.

A face that looks like a million others.

Until someone sees within me.

Someone tells me I'm beautiful.

Sometimes I am just a memory.

A memory lost in time.

Until someone misses me.

Someone wishes I was around.

And sometimes when I lie alone.

In silence, in solitude.

Where I'm untouched, unfound.

Beyond the reach of words and voices.

Beyond the capture of memories and pictures.

I lie alone.

Looking Within.

I lie alone.

Silenced.

In serene, solitude.

For I may be unknown.

Without.

But Without me.

In my world.

Nothing was.

Nothing will be.

Defeating God?

2008-09-14T02:10:00.001-07:00

Are we proud of "the better tomorrow" we live everyday?
What does it matter actually?
Tomorrow, we may never see.

Are we fearless of the unknown that lay?
What does it matter anyway?
Hell, what else could be?
...

Are we deaf to the words,
the silence,
and the screams?

Are we blind to the tears,
of broken homes,
and broken dreams?

Unaware are we of death,
and all the pain?

And so in the vain search of God,
we go on war again?

In shadows
And whispers
And voices within.

Do we know it's in His name
we lie
and we sin?

Are we really proud,
that we claim to be so fair?

Are we God,
or is God not there?

2008-03-19T00:28:00.000-07:00

I miss the hustling sound of the trees
the breeze touching their naked self ..
the seeming whispers of shyness ..
bare and vulnerable.

I miss the crushing sound of the leaves
while they lay in our path ..
the seeming union of two worlds ..
you and I.

I miss the soothing sound of silence
while we travelled miles together ..
the seeming distance of the hearts ..
here and gone.

And now the silence walks past us
while the breeze breathes numbness ..
the seeming stare at nothingness ..
life and death.

2008-01-04T12:36:00.000-08:00

And It was you I really wanted to speak to.
Not now, not tonight, but so long I can't remember anymore.

Maybe you don't read my words anymore.
Maybe you can't hear my sound.
I still wish I could call and say, I'm around.

I never realised what brings about endings. So many dates change and memories linger on. So many feelings die and relationships stay. If it's the end of Us, what happened to the closure? Are we forever going to hang in here.. wondering that the other changed, and forgot to tell?

I don't seek forgiveness. I just hope you could understand.
I need you still. I need you so.
I wished someday you'd know.

Wish we could really hate sometime. Wouldn't it be easier?

2007-12-24T07:25:00.000-08:00

I hate it when you're not around, and the fact that you didn't call.
But mostly I hate the way I don't hate you.
Not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all.

- From the movie "10 things I hate about you"

2007-12-08T03:11:00.000-08:00

written and erased too many words
how painful could nothingness be.
thought thoughts and killed thoughts
in hope that another breath will kill me

sketched life and painted pain
how grey could colours seem
scarred each moment with another tear
in hope that death could be my dream.

stopped and stared at distances grow
how strange it is to not have you near
lived through to see you again
while you hoped i could disappear.

"A Prayer"

2007-06-12T18:45:00.000-07:00

In the wee hours of the day, I'm sitting here alone. It's funny how loneliness chases everywhere :) No, I'm not trying to escape. Not anymore.
"[fwd:] A Prayer" touched me.
Sometimes it's just enough to know that you thought about me. That I'm still someone, anyone.. But I am. Maybe it's your thought that creates me. And without, I fade in dust.. become a part of meaninglessness

And no one notices..
Like I never was, nor will be. .

You let me cry when you sat beside to wipe my tears. And I hoped my skin never soaks these tears,
that they never dry.
So we could live these moments, like forever is now. Live forever moments together :-)

It is so strange, I know, to keep wishing for pain. But sometimes, that moment of pain changes everything. Like it did before. And so in my heart,
I wish to let the scars remain
Till we are together again.
and may "my prayer" squeeze the life out of me,
But without [you], I cannot be.

[moving through] shades of gray..

2007-05-23T01:34:00.000-07:00

I have wished for too long now, to step out of darkness.. and even though it's a known place now, it discomforts me.. and I haven't written for so long, fearing I would be pulled back there again .. in the words..
. I want to break my fear now, I want to know where I belong.. through the words that have held me back.. through the words that will take me through..

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers."
- M. Scott Peck

and sometimes it's the noise that we need to escape that drowns us .. or were they silences..?
words are losing me now, and I am losing words ..two different worlds are pulling me toward themselves ..

I sit here and dream here of how it would be when you are close.. how the little time we hold, will make us squeeze our dreams..
I'm scared I will fail you
I'm scared I feel not good enough

there's a world that looks beyond me, grabs me and pushes me back into the unknown.. and the known silences..
and there's you, holding me gently.. walking every step.. until eternity reasons love.. until eternity holds our love..

Hold on tight to this moment
Don't let me slip away
Walk with me through life
Don't let me lose my way..

Hold on tight to this dream
Don't let it disappear
As long as we walk together
There will be nothing to fear..

Hold on tight to this moment
Don't let it fade away
For I do love you with all my heart
Sometimes, I'm just scared to say ..

engulfed in stolen moments..

2007-03-31T12:17:00.000-07:00

"My name is someone and anyone.
I walk slowly, like one who comes from so far away he doesn't expect to arrive."
-Jorge Luis Borges

it's so different to see words exist .. to not read them but hear them now .. to have a voice, a breath enliven the broken words we shared .. a beauty that was only .. black and white .. and your voice touched it .. and it's real .. for this moment .. as long as it may last ..
..

>>>>>>><<<<<<<<
the undying depth of dark
that burns and begins with me..
and how much i wish i could share a glimpse
but no more than darkness you'd see ..

and i'm letting my words slip in silence again
for you thought for a moment, that my tears lied ..
and i with no words could ever explain
that from you, there is no more worthwhile to hide ..

.. and there is not one word you hid .. not one thought unspoken .. and i wondered how lucky i must be, to know you the way you know yourself..

secrets never slip, they are only told ..
seldom shared, but passed onto hold
by the eyes that will now feel your tear
and turn beauty of every feeling you fear ..

and i didn't know voices can stare ..
turn pages of life and there are no masks anymore .. for someone is reading that which is never put down in words ..
the silences i wrote .. in the pages of eternity ..

and then you ask me, if i would be your friend?
and we lay our broken lives
and begin putting it together ..
smiling and staring at our own voices ..and each other's
wondering how long this path is ..
whereon we are travelling together..
and we wish to not see if it ends..
for maybe these stolen moments, have made us friends ..

escape to reality..

2007-03-20T11:07:00.000-07:00

in the midst of the busy world..
the wet smile and the broken tear
the unheard word and the unsung rhyme
the silences that seemed to hold the time

in the midst of today and tomorrow
the familiar that pushed often aside
the time that stopped still awhile
the strangers that shadow across the mile..

in the midst of the unbound skies
the breeze unsettling, the fallen stars
the painted rainbow and the frozen rain
we breathe as eternity fades our pain..

in the midst of known and unknown..
while we walked through darkness alone ..
perhaps in the midst of scars and scares
I stumbled over life..

dissolved ..

2007-02-22T11:51:00.000-08:00

the breeze, the rains,
the leaves spread like stars on the ground ..
and i'm passing by, swiftly
wondering if it's worth capturing the moment..
the stillness of the life..
or just letting the beauty sink in, in memory..
wishing it could exist for just two moments .. just two more..
forever and always ..

the leaves that tickle my skin and fly past ..
and i stand there and smile,
wondering if i should capture those tender lives ..
and instill them forever..
or just let them tickle another, in breeze..
wishing they could reach you someday .. just be ours..
yours and mine, forever and always ..

you say it'll be okay .. to only make me smile again ?..

2007-02-04T11:23:00.000-08:00

and i hope tears can awash the pain ..
or lead me into nothingness again ..

are you and me helpless .. caged amidst inescapable realities ..are we making choices, or is it all make-belief.. someone up there has already decided .. what is meant to be .. or will anything i do change the destiny today ..

can we change what we are meant to change, can we alter that which would make it easier .. this moment .. can we mould anything at all ..
i'm not looking for answers today .. for my world is not understood by myself anymore .. the realms are different .. inescapable realities, i wish i was unaware of .. and you say it'll be okay .. to only make me smile again ?..

your thoughts i can hear, when you make no sound ..
i can see your tears when i'm not around ..
and i hope tears can awash the pain ..
or lead us into nothingness again .

hmm..

2007-01-12T10:54:00.000-08:00

"Can miles truly seperate us from friends? If we want to be there with someone we love, aren't we already there?"
-Richard Bach

. and you took me all wrong today ..i'm not judging the relationship we share, i could.. i would never ..
i'm only judging myself again ..looking for reasons, though i know even reasons cease to matter, to make any difference at all ..
there's still hope that maybe those reasons help me survive, a little longer .. while i put myself through the judgements again ..attempting to understand, to decide..
.. is it better to give it all i have and watch everything still move away, lose away everything i hold so precious to myself .. or should i give up trying now, for it'll hurt a little less but the regret shall still haunt that i never gave it enough, gave it everything, all i could.. all i should..

the indecision is hurting now.. watching everything slip away and no regrets, only pain and a realisation .. a painful thought <><<
there's nothing more I could ever do
to make it alright, to have you
to be your reason, to be your smile
to dissolve the distance of these miles ..

of this world, and beyond

2006-12-30T13:16:00.000-08:00

and i see the smoke fly up in the air.. lost somewhere.. and i can see it no more..
i want to touch it, and let it lie in my palm.. but it flies away..
and i wonder, i really do..
if pain could be smoke too?..

I know I don't belong here.. I know I am not upto it anymore..
and you may try as hard as you wish to.. I know I'll just land up where we all begin.. the same place where we both don't want to go back to..
smoke .. can it trample tears, can it soak smiles..

do you see the world beyond..
beyond the smoke.. .. do you?
>>>><<<<
and while i hoped you could see beyond..
if you could create a newer world..
a newer one for you and me..
you looked beyond me..
and again, everything falls back in place..

we are here to make me realise, i should give up now.
i should, i know.. because God is not testing me anymore
just giving me the signs..
for that which i don't deserve, i shall never have..
or should I differ and make Him think again.. ?

try and design destiny or change it at the least..
or should i just sit back and watch my life slip out of my hands like sand..

and my tear trickles down
falls onto the ground
and that insignificance of life,
i wonder how
drowns my smiles
soddens the sand
or maybe the life that slipped outta my hands..

and i reach out, to touch it again..
to hold it and cling it, for it is my own..
and i see you walked over it
and now, it's all gone

do you see the smoke now
for maybe that's all you would see..
for i'm gone.
i have crossed and reached the world beyond..
and may this world, this reality not touch me again..

randOmnEss..

2006-12-10T23:59:00.000-08:00

"Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things that you didn't do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines. Sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover. "
- Mark Twain

i see the world going biserk..
an upside down world ..
we are losing each other..
we are bumping and crashing ..
there's a purpose..
just hold that thought in mind..
a purpose why we came together..
a purpose that will bring us here again..
nothing passes..
into nothingness..
it will all come back..
and someday we will smile..
even if we lost..
it will bring tears, smiles
someday we will smile
because we tried
because moments stay in memory forever
and we stood up
and stood by
and lived
and didn't let go..

because maybe there is a safe habour somewhere
a safe harbour we don't wanna leave..
but it's not worthwhile
if we let everything slip away..
for nothing passes,
into nothingness..
and it will come back
to us again
unescapable realities
will hit us time and again..
and we will face them because
we shall explore,
discover
and dream,
forever..
and we will hold what means to us..
and we will let it fly..
we will give wings..
but we won't let go..

25 things I want to do before I die..

2006-12-03T13:06:00.000-08:00

so here goes, the 25 things I want to do before I die..

1. spend a day without lying at all
2. be able to hear all the music there is in this world..
3. learn how to play instruments, starting with a violin, guitar, tabla, drums, sitar.. lol everything!
4. stop being hypocritical
5. not be afraid of the cats in my college cafe and run away..
6. be in shape [mentally, physically, everything! haha]
7. get my dream home!
8. travel a LOT.. like every place there is in this world.. i wanna go ther!
9. light the pretty candles i have at home just once before i die.. [aren't candles for being lit?]
10. read everYyyy existing bOOk.. [lol ok thats a lot.. but life is taking away time to read.. wanna have a phase in my everyday life where i could peacefully read without having to worry about any pending work]
11. begin understanding people [i shall begin with myself there, :P]
12. kill varenya for tagging me, because i can think no more of things i want to do before i die.. haha
13. BUNGEE JUMPING!! yay .. [considering i fear heights, i wonder how this will ever come true haha] but u better not go without me rohit!
14. understand why girls are obsessed with trivial things that don't matter! haha
15. stop hiding precious things so nicely that i never find them again ..!
16. COOk!
17. have this unlimited supply of food .. of whatever food i want.. YUm! [i have always believed that life is too short to eat everything there is in this world]
18. write books, poetry..
19. direct a movie! [i mean it!]
20. learn to say no to people.. haha.. [always get myself in trouble]
21. fly a plane [totally random thought]
22. swim in a chocolate sea [remember Charlie and the Chocolate Factory-Roald Dalh?]
23. not feel guilty after everytime i shop
24. forgive [myself?]-- i don't know what that means..
anddddddd.. >>><<<
25. *live everyday of my life* :)

..i hope you had the time of your life >>><<

2006-10-09T07:09:00.000-07:00

i stand against my own self.. and i wonder if there are really two people existing within me..
and i hear someone laughing at me.. at how i be judged and how i become a different person for everyone, everytime.. perhaps, within me, there aren't just those two people, my friend.. so many more, so many more...

when we fail and we fall, and when it begins to happen over and over again.., we come closer to a more real world.. a world of perfect imperfections..
and while i aspired to reach different dimensions, you settled for mediocrity, afraid to test limits, afraid to move ahead, afraid to let go of what held you back all this while, .. ..afraid to love..
cowardly just turned away..

ofcourse, your turning back towards someone is not deserting, nor is it deserting to just watch someone cry..
but I wonder what else to think, when you just stand there and tell me with those innocent eyes that nothing happened.. perhaps, nothing did.. perhaps, it meant nothing.. to you
and you stood there innocently watching life instill pain in me, you stood still and watched.

i wonder if you be guilty in the dark moments, if the pain strikes you too- the guilt of mocking at me for I felt differently, the guilty of pushing away and letting go, and of turning back to a past you wanted me to help you escape from..
i feel funny sometimes for i was brought into your world, and you left. like you never belonged here.. or you escaped.

and i hear you, you tell me you need me.. and my tears don't smile. for I cry today for the loss of love, the love i deserved, the love that touched me and passed away too soon, the kind of love you cannot give for its deeper than you can see and more real than you can be..

they say that love is leading each other back to the self.. and if i see it from here, today i see it complete.
and i wonder why you thought that i'm distanced from life.. for i'm finally coming closer to the real world, a world so different than the unreal i lived with you . .

and i was judged well when i was judged at last, for i judge myself now . . and i be my own God . . . . . . . . . . and my Gods smile at me, I know, and now i can be the many people i need to be, and they shall all have what they deserve. the so many people within me. and the soul is finally at peace .. you may call it moving on, i call it a rebirth . . . .

wonder

2006-10-01T11:08:00.000-07:00

i am tied with chains.. and caged,
and you have moved far away..
i don't know how to reach out
i am left with no words to say..
you ask me to spread my wings and fly..
i wonder, i wonder why.. ..

there is absolutely darkness spread around and it's strange that i stumbled upon something in this empty room.. a candle perhaps..

and in those dark streets, a stranger i bumped into.. a stranger or maybe not..

maybe i'm not meant to light up this room.. but i can almost hear it cry out to me.. for the warmth.. and the desire to be lit up.. to see itself..

its strange.. to feel so close to a stranger.. to have no inhibitions and to help him discover himself..

no, it wasn't about me ever.. but i feel the pain..
and i wonder, was i the stranger, or the one whom you stumbled by?
i wonder why..

..while the music plays ..

2006-09-25T11:48:00.000-07:00

the now and eternity blended into perfect music.. and the rhythm of these beautifully chosen, splendid notes witnessed how souls dance..

there are these moments that touch you, and never go away.. there's a new journey to begin.. there are more moments to live.. and the music shall go on..

a touch changed a life.. a smile lit up a world..
it was my life you changed,
it was my world you rescued from darkness..

maybe it was my own fate, that while i lost myself in the music..in you.. i crushed the very flower that brought fragrance.. i crushed that beautiful flower that you chose for me..

we change our lives in ways we realise not.. and to unchange them, sometimes we never get a chance..

while i closed my eyes, to savour the special moments.. you left, pushing me back into the darkness, while your music still plays..

when i tried to take the petals of the flower from you, you left me with a hope of bringing back newer ones to blossom..

sometimes its takes..just one moment of hope, just one smile.. to be the rhythm of every music.. to help see the light amidst darkness.. i live by that hope.. and i see it slipping away, while the music plays..

happy birthday..

2006-09-07T12:09:00.000-07:00

"When we honestly ask ourselves which person in our lives means the most us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not knowing, not curing, not healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness, that is a friend who cares."
- Henri Nouwen

..because we had every reason to not be friends.. but if we wouldn't have been friends, i would have probably never been the same..
it's not really about helping me discover any newer worlds.. but helping me understand the one i live in slightly better..

the unending talks, the crazy jokes, the wacky giggles and the laughter riots.. i can't remember any one time in particular.. but when i close my eyes, the joy of it all just comes back to me..
when you have so many beautiful memories with someone, you don't miss any particular moment, you miss being together.. '

how one conversation led to another.. and how this became a way of life.. i cannot recollect.. but i just want to thank you for that one time when we were on the verge of losing everything but we let our friendship hold us back.. :)
..
it's not about helping me discover any new worlds, but the charm of a world of our own..
..because we had every reason to not be friends.. but if we wouldn't have been friends, i would have probably never been the same..

broken pieces of a fairy tale..

2006-08-29T10:02:00.000-07:00

while i presumed that there is no place else where i could be better understood than within my own self.. someone was scribbling the words of my life at random places.. i stumbled over those meanings and it seemed as if someone understood me.. my meanings made sense to someone.. and maybe my life isn't as strange as i think it is.. >><<

"i am no more
what i was before..
i loved a lot;
that is why i fought-
that is why i lost.. "
- anonymous

maybe the words aren't beautiful.. but maybe there is no place as beautiful as where we feel understood..

......
for i am made to believe that wherever i am is my own choice.. but within me i know that if i really had a choice, it would have been different..

i see the birds dive in the skies, not caring what they leave behind on the grounds.. floating in a realm where you and I cannot reach.. and when i see them spread their wings in joy, my dreams within smile.. for maybe they see a reflection of themselves in the birds' fly.. :)

i wonder why my life isn't simpler.. i wonder why my heart longs to be there where it can never belong..

drops of rain from heaven hit the ground.. today is yesterday's tomorrow.. the day which was suppose to be different.. the day which was suppose to make it alright.. so why are the heavens still crying..?

maybe we are the demons of our lives .. chasing unknown dreams.. and losing ourselves minute by minute.. maybe the meanings of our lives are changing ever-so-quickly .. that we are losing each other..

if only i could put everything back to place.. where everything was picture perfect..

i watch the birds.. spreading their wings wide open.. hoping they would touch the heavens someday.. but the higher they reach, the farther it seems.. like the skies' mocking at them.. like life mocks at us..

someday, i'll reach for the stars.. and my life will be a fairy tale again..

i wish it were a lie..

2006-07-29T07:09:00.000-07:00

sometimes we don't deserve the same as we are capable of giving.. sometimes it's just not meant for us..

through all the ups and downs of life.. there is one great thing that i have learnt and i attempt to put it in my best words..
"The only art to reach perfection is to realise that everything is imperfect.." :)
maybe you don't agree.. because maybe i'm not right.. but then again we are all imperfect in our own different ways..

i'm amused on how easily we give up.. how easily we let go.. because at that moment losing everything seems far simpler than holding on and untangling .. because it's difficult to live up to someone else's expectation.. and somewhere in between it begins to feel worthless.. to even try anymore

we did not come together to cause more pain..

how easily we lose out on patience.. how easily we give up.. and then no words can make it better.. can make it the same.. i wish we could understand that everything needs to be worked upon.. that there's trust we need.. i wish we could understand the need for imperfection to make it all perfect..

i sometimes wish that reality was all a lie.. then maybe i could have filled in the silence with what i really felt..

I hope this life brings good to us..

2006-07-22T12:03:00.000-07:00

maybe the worst.. or the best thing about life is that when everything changes there seems no time to stop and think.. and maybe that's why i don't know if i am here for better or for worse..

..and when i woke up in the morning i started living a different life.. a life i had never lived before.. in a different world.. a world that wasn't mine..
it is so strange that i'm unknown again.. amongst strangers.. i'm just another stranger.. sometimes even to myself.. ..and there we began a quest to find ourselves, together.. and yet alone..

there are questions left behind.. in the darkness of the past.. but today is too special to look back anymore.. maybe all questions don't have an answer.. maybe i don't need the answers now..

..so weird that we never value something true to its worth until that moment when we are on the verge of losing it.. and then nothing else seems to matter..
*i don't need the answers anymore.. i don't need to figure it out.. when i know what matters and what doesn't.. there is nothing else to know..*

and
.. i blinked and you were gone.. and
..and then i realised that sometimes farewells are without goodbye hugs and kisses.. just a naive hope in the heart.. that someday when we would meet again, we would never have to say goodbye..

hideout..>>

2006-07-03T10:45:00.000-07:00

sometimes everything moves ever-so-quickly, that it's hard to keep pace..
thoughts in between just come and go.. never take the shape of words.. never find the voices..

the clock hanging on my purple-coloured wall ticks the hours away.. and i move closer to the unknown world.. doing something I am not sure i'm meant to do.. being somewhere i'm not sure i'm suppose to be..>>

being lost sometimes is the best thing that can happen.. experience says it
sometimes when we don't make it where we think we should have, it's because our friend in heaven, the good old Lord, has thought of something better..
I just wish He didn't have these crazy ways of making us go through the worst we have ever been and then showing us how beautiful life is.. but then again, i wouldn't interfere in His works .. besides He's God.. i CAN't interfere in His works ..

the weird part about the clock is that it gives me all the time to do things i don't like to do.. and it makes me postpone things that mean the world to me.. somehow, its the same everyday.. unless i fight my way out.. and defeat this clock that just hangs in my room and controls my entire life..!
and then there are these feelings, friendships and love.. which I think I do understand but then again you can never be sure with life..

and i wonder and i wonder more.. what's the MasTERPLAn.. perhaps it's just God's way of telling me.. that time will defeat me everytime>>

besides prince charming may not necessarily come riding a white horse, blow me a kiss and sweep me off my feet..

but life is beautiful anyhow.. since i don't have a clock hanging on my purple-coloured wall :P :P.. and my prince charming may not be the perfect guy all the time [:P], but he can sure sweep me off my feet :)
and till i figure out the rest in my life.. i'll let myself be lost.. my Friend in Heaven better find me a good place to hideout..
and for the record>>this post was totally outta boredom :D :D

pebbles and rockss..

2006-04-19T12:19:00.000-07:00

"Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That's why it's a comfort to go hand in hand."
- Emily Kimbrough

.. but sometimes its all alone.. the journey>>
and sometimes its not a comfort to go hand in hand.. because we stumble too often.. and we may hurt someone.. without wanting to.. without knowing..
and maybe that hurts more than being alone.. to hurt someone you care about..

pebbles and rocks.. if we didnt trip over them.. we wouldn't rise..
they say it's important to fall before we can rise again..
so God spread so many of them on our path.. so many pebbles and rocks..
troubles.. downfalls.. sorrows and tearzz..
i wonder if we should be together.. because it's not going to be easy.. when i will stumble over.. you may fall too.. and it may hurt you ..
i don't know when we rise.. will we be able to smile for what we are.. and what we have?..
maybe.. it's easier travelling all alone.. this journey..>> and sometimes its not a comfort to go hand in hand...

2006-04-10T12:35:00.000-07:00

i was a part of a different world.. a different dream..
and from where i could see back then.. our worlds never met.. our paths never crossed.. because from where i could see.. it was all suppose to be different..

living in a false hope of perfection.. we sometimes are willing to trade reality for dreams..
but we're no God.. because if we were, we would have known what choices to make.. we would have known what the right thing was.. we would have known that from our world.. from where we stand.. we cannot look into the future.. we cannot know His plans..

'we all try to be God once in a while in our lives..'
the words still echo in my mind.. you told me we cannot ever be God.. and then, I forgave myself..

perhaps there is nothing right or wrong in this world.. no thought which should have not occured.. no feeling which should have not existed..
life is in between the perfect and the imperfect worlds.. and we are all the part of His masterplan.. maybe..

i didn't choose to be here.. i didn't want to be here.. because life isn't simple anymore.. or maybe it's just getting closer, to being simpler..
sometimes the very fact that we are not here because we chose to be makes me wonder.. if you would turn back to your world if it calls you again.. i wonder if you ever miss your world that you wouldn't mind shattering our world for it.. i wonder if you would trade our dreams which seem so distant right now, for the dreams we have left behind us.. ..

i have no answers.. i'm not God
but i have forgiven myself.. because this is how i will always be.. >>

A walk in the park..

2006-03-23T08:27:00.000-08:00

.. i realised that it's not about leaving footprints wherever i go.. sometimes it's beautiful to let the path leave it's footprints on my heart..
it's not important to leave a mark.. not everywhere..
for it will all fade away.. whatever i may leave behind..

.. but i can still hear the sound in my ears.. crushing the leaves beneath the feet..
i can still hear the rhythm..
.. the sultry summer trying to peep through the trees..
i can still feel the warmth..
.. the chirping birds singing in joy..
i can still hum the music..

i see people around.. lost in their own worlds..
while i look for my world..
and i wish i could be lost somewhere too..
i wish i could find my world to be lost in..

nature enchants in subtle ways..
so flawless is it's beauty..

i walk along this path.. and i realise how accomplished everything is in nature.. the leaves spread out wide on the grounds.. while i walk along crushing them beneath my feet.. how i wish i could find a wet ground and leave my footprints there..
but everything will fade out.. whatever i may leave behind..
so i move along.. and touch beauty..
in subtle ways..
maybe life will bring me back here..
maybe this is my world..

journey to a destiny.. and life in between..

2006-03-18T02:02:00.000-08:00

life.. destiny.. karma.. fate>>
doesn't it seem like we have met before..
known each other.. deep down..
not here.. not in this world..
somewhere else..
in another realm..
we have been close..
you and me..
or are we just strangers.. holding hands..?

sometimes we meet people in life.. and we cannot judge.. what we feel ..
though we know from within what it is but .. it's so hard to explain.. with words..
no it is not just friendship.. yes maybe love..? wouldn't say something in between the two.. because there are no stages.. they are feelings scattered all around.. and whatever we may feel.. it's special.. we know it.. because we feel it.. from within>> and sometimes maybe that's enough.. knowing what we feel from within.. and sharing a special bond that's inexplicable..

relationships.. a moment changes it all.. a smile.. unspoken..
a tear.. untold..
because there's a lot we say without saying anything at all..

Sometimes I begin to think that Relationships have no name.. none of them.. you could possibly feel anything at any time.. and it's all good.. as long as the feelings last.. and even beyond.. because everything stays fresh in the mind..
the ground reality being that we cannot possibly ever measure our feelings.. neither anyone else's.. and we may never know what love is..

but it's beautiful to once in a while have a glimpse of someone else's world.. and be a part of it.. to feel loved.. and live it for the sake of each other.. without having any relationship at all.. ..

it's beautiful to not know where the path leads..
to know no yesterdays and tomorrows..
to live each passing moment without owing anything..
without fearing any loss..
to let go and yet have everything..

it's beautiful..
because together we touched reality..
..
while our souls walked to heaven ..holding hands..

maybe words aren't enough..

2006-03-11T07:28:00.000-08:00

the sky dimly lit.. with a million stars on a cloudy night..
i stretch out my hands ..
and a drop of tear.. a drop of drizzle.. touches my little fingers..
while the soft breeze whispers to me.. and the rain trickles down my soul .. ..

maybe amidst the droplets heaven sent.. my tears will be washed away..
and some words flash in my mind.. a hope from a friend.. look for the stars that shine for you.. >>

where words come in.. there are contradictory thoughts in my mind..
sometimes it feels as if i could never explain the way i feel.. not with words atleast..
and sometimes words just say it all..

like the hope we give to each other.. sometimes with words.. and sometimes.. .. by just being there.. how perfect life becomes when someone holds your hand, touches your heart and tells you that it's alright to be imperfect sometimes.. :) and still you hear no words.. the hope we give in silence..

the winds play with the leaves.. while the rain washes their dust away....

the hope we give to each other is the hope we live by..
and your words seem to make my pain smile for a while..
and it seems as if everything is alright.. because we make it so..
easier for each other..

standing alone here.. the intoxicating smell of the wet grounds overtakes ..and it feels homely for a while..

our paths have crossed .. maybe for a while.. so this may not last long..
but there's no fear in me anymore.. 'cuz i know we will look back to this time.. to this realm.. time and again.. everytime we need each other.. and it will only make us smile..
it's beautiful to know someone for a while.. and feel like forever :)

i feel not lonely anymore.. because you told me to feel safe under the star-studded skies.. you made me believe that up there they shine for me..
seems like life has just about begun.. :)

...

2006-02-18T23:39:00.000-08:00

We sometimes entangle ourselves in the petty things in life... and abandon life.. abandon words.. So strange that the words never abandon us.. life never abandons us.. not till its time to leave>>
Long it has been indeed. But sometimes we must let the feelings fill us up.. and overflow.. that gives a real joy of expressions.. ..

Life has been rushing.. chasing a lost dream.. looking for newer meanings.. trying to hold onto things that wouldn't last.. and in the midst I stand.. observing and understanding--observing the many things that happen from dawn to dusk.. and understanding the thoughts, the feelings they leave behind. How I wish I could change something.. the way I feel today, for I feel miserable for what I feel. But there are things beyond the control of the mind..

Maybe I can hide my thoughts from the world, maybe no one would ever know what goes on inside my mind.. my thoughts, my feelings.. but it wouldn't take away the uneasiness from within me.
I see the heart endlessly looking for reasons .. in vain hope that a reason will make it all better.. easier. But it doesn't work that way. We look for reasons not for ourselves but for explanations that we have to give to everyone else...but what the other thinks doesn't matter. A reason doesn't change anything. It doesn't change anything for the heart..

in some far-away land maybe there is peace.. away from everything.. everyone. Because it's scary here.. afraid of being misunderstood.. afraid of being hated for what I am feeling.. and for the feelings that are fading away. A step towards something else may make life better.. something thats pulling me towards itself..the quest to find myself.. something thats helping me understanding the 'real' but there is a shattered world left behind.. and the heart.. torn between the two worlds.. not knowing which way to go.. .. to chase a lost dream or to look for newer meanings or to hold onto something that's not real anymore.. that wouldn't last..

B'cause there is no turning back..

2006-01-12T12:16:00.000-08:00

There are these weak moments in life..
when you are standing at the edge..
and a step forward may be an end to everything..
everything that you have ever been..
everything you have ever believed in..
everything that could ever be..
everything..

and with life.. there is never any way back..
back to where we started from..
no way back to starting from the scratch..

because today is a culmination of millions of yesterdays..
millions of decisions..
emotions.. thoughts.. relationships..
its all a part of today..

.. every page cannot possibly be unturned..
every deed cannot possibly be undone..

I wish in these weak, breaking moments.. the sun to never set.. behind the waters..
wish the day to never die..
for the unknown lies ahead..

wishing eagerly in these weak moments.. for life to offer an eraser.. to undo all errors..
and blow off the dust..

and then there is the contemplation.. looking back at life..
reflecting upon all the wrong turns taken..
with the impulsiveness of the innocent heart..

there are these moments in life that just get hold of you..
and everything you have ever done seems a farce then
..
like a lie to oneself..
fake..

In such moments of my life..
the only hope I ever got was from the lines that follow..

When you come to the end of everything you know, and the next step is into the depths of darkness of the great unknown, you must believe one of two things: Either you will step out onto firm ground or you will be taught to fly.

- Claire Norris

Let go..

2006-01-06T06:44:00.000-08:00

.. because we live in a world of illusions .. we believe in things that have never existed.. nor ever will..
.. because somewhere along these beliefs make life easier..
.. because somewhere there is comfort in our beliefs.. a comfort we share with our own hopes....

and somewhere along.. we begin to believe in fOrever.. we believe that things would last.. and that nothing would break apart..
there is peace.. and enjoyment.. in the gush of those feelings.. in knowing that love is forever.. because it's true.. and that we would have the company of our friends.. our loved ones.. forever..
until one day.. everything crashes down..
smiles awashed by the tears..
and forever comes to an end..
and then.. then it is so hard to let go..

But we must.. we must grow out of things.. to grow..
and face reality with a smile..
because forever does not exist..
there is nothing in this world that has always been and will always be..
Nothing.
everything must fade.. for new things to emerge.. take birth.

because life is changing forever..
and to keep pace.. we must let go..
let go of what hurts..
let go of what is not ours anymore..
no matter how hard it seems..
but we must.. let go..
for too many memories in the eyes.. will only block the vision..
and too many memories in the heart .. will only make it weaker..

so We must let go.. for every thing in life somewhere along touches the soul.. touches our soul.. and there.. in that realm.. which is beyond time and space.. the realm wherein our souls connect with the Lord.. in that realm.. every moment of our life .. every moment that we have lived.. every moment that we cherish.. every moment we find hard to let go.. every moment is embalmed with beauty.. and treasured..
Let us let go.. and find comfort in the thought that maybe not in the realms we live in.. but in another realm.. another world.. in His world.. everything will last forever..

A journey from a friend to a stranger..

2006-01-04T11:39:00.000-08:00

Friend..
at the age of 4 years.. a gentle pat on the back.. a kind smile.. a familiar face..
at the age of 6 years.. someone who gets the toys.. lollipops..
at the age of 10 years.. someone who tells us about new things..
at the age of 13 years.. someone with the all the gossip..
at he age of 16 years.. someone with the fashion tips..
...
.....
.......
.........

at the age of 70 years.. a gentle pat on the back.. a kind smile.. a familiar face..

At the end of life.. we would maybe not remember the moments .. but we can never forget how they made us feel..
but sometimes.. its not as good as it seems..
for everything comes to an end.. a universal law..
everything beautiful in life.. comes to an end..
I never believed that there exists something as universal.. but life has taught me the hard way.. that everything, sadly, comes to an end..
someday.. we all must part ways.. move to different paths.. start new beginnings..
but someday.. we may cross.. and I would be glad to share my life with you.. for you have been my friend.. and all this while when I walked alone, I missed you..

Today, when we are in front of each other..I wait for you to say something.. maybe you could explain what went wrong.. I want to ask you.. I want to tell you.. all my life.. I want to spread it out in front of you.. my life.. that has been so lonely without you.. but I don't seem to find any words..

and my sole fear.. of meeting you at some strange land.. and not knowing what to say.. let the moments of our meeting pass in silence.. let that one chance of letting you know what you meant to me.. pass away.. fly by.. and regret it for ever..
b'cause we just traveled..a journey from a friend to a stranger..
and I burned the bridge in between..

Lost..

2006-01-02T08:36:00.000-08:00

Lost..
Amidst the crowd, We have lost each other.. ourselves.
the staged smiles smeared onto our faces.. I wonder.. who we are?
pretentious.. we all are. Fancy, but fake.. I wonder.. why?

Amidst the crowd, We look at each other .. at ourselves.
and wonder.. why did we lose ourselves..
our identities..

maybe the struggle to be someone we are not..
maybe the struggle to be someone others want us to be..
maybe the struggle to just be someone else..
anyone else.. but ourselves..

Because it is safer behind closed doors..
where no one can reach..
and it's easier to be hid behind masks.. to pretend.. and to be someone else..
because there criticism wouldn't hurt.. pain wouldn't reach.. where the soul isn't vulnerable

Borders in lieu of bridges..
Walls all around..
and We are all lonely people lost .. and enclosed by the walls we have built around ourselves .. wondering where the crowd is.. amid where we can find ourselves..

My life's ABC

2005-12-26T20:44:00.000-08:00

I had made up my mind before blogging that I would not write anything personal about myself.. until I was tagged.. by varenya.. For a moment I thought I would just pretend I didn't know .. because writing about myself seems not a great idea to me.. but what the hell.. let's try..
So here goes my life's ABC..

A-Age of the 'first kiss':-
hmmmmm......

B-Band listening to right now:-
coldplay

C- Crush:-
loads.. keeps adding.. :D

D- Drink of Choice:-
i would prefer soup than anything else.. otherwise anythings ok.. sprite, coke.. all are the same.. and yea.. juices.. fresh juices.. really like them..

E- Easiest person:-
not met.. everyones complicated..

F - Favorite band at the moment:-
love Strings, Jal, Linkin Park, Creed, coldplay is the lastest addition to the list

G - Gummy worms or gummy bears?:-
gummy worms - no.. gummy bears.. have seen the cartoon.. just outta boredom.. hate it otherwise.. lol

H – Holiday:-
france with school friends.. 2002.. had a rocking time.. waiting for some nice trip after the boards get over now.. lessee...

I - Instruments:-
have played the harmonium, keyboard, and tried my hand on the violin.. but I'd rather dance :P

J - Juice:-
all..

K-Kids:-
love them.. absolutely.. who doesn't?
what is most appealing is their innocence.. something you only find in kids now..

L - Longest car ride ever:-
eehh.. i don't drive.. have learnt.. but no one trusts me.. :(
with someone else.. chandigarh..
in delhi.. drive to anywhere seeem LONggg.. really LONgg.. lol!!

M - Major:-
multimedia..

N - Nicknames:-
ghodi.. hatni.. all animals u can think of..

O - One wish:-
a small house in london streets.. with a huge lush garden.. and the path that leads from the main gate to my house door.. should be with autumn trees on both sides.. so whenever it would be windy.. the leaves would fall on the path.. and whenever I pass by it .. the sound of the leaves cracking under my feet.. to hear that.. that sound.. that's my wish..

P - Phobia[s]:-
altophobia.. heights
hydrophoia.. water
I guess the only land is for me.. lol

Q - Quote:-
"There is no such thing as a weird human being.. it's just that some people require more understanding than others."

R - Reason to smile:-
i can't find reasons not to smile..
life is beautiful..and I am alive is reason enuff to smile.

S - Song you sang last:-
jadu hai nash hai.. jism

T - Time you woke up [today]:-
9:30.. because of a call..

U - Unknown fact about me:-
I am the best liar .. i can even lie to myself

V - Vegetable you hate:-
karela .. never tried.. lol.. gheeya, tinde.. blah blah

W - Worst habit(s):-
thinking aLOt

X-rays you've had:
none ever

Y - Yummy food:-
rajma chawal by my dear mother..
pao bhaji from halidrams..
PIzzaaz from pizzaa HUt.!!
golguppas and tikkis..from anywhere.. :D

Z - Zodiac sign:-
ruthless scorpion

WAke up noww!! Ive done it!

When you get the choice to sit it out or dance, I hope you dance..

2005-12-23T08:53:00.000-08:00

..Two roads diverged in a wood, and I— I took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference.
-Robert Frost

They say that's all that life is about. Choices. Every step .. at every stage there are decisions to be taken, big or small. And ultimately these decisions, big and small, make us what we are and place us where we are. You and I are different people because of the choices we have made in life. We are like we are because we chose to be like this.

We have always heard, haven't we.. that there is no turning back in the lane of life. But what startled me are the words of Led Zeppelin:
"Yes there are two paths you can go by, but in the long run, there's still time to change the road you're on."

Honestly, I do not know whether there is reversing in the lane of life or no.. but I know for sure that every moment, every path and every decision in life cannot be stereotyped and so I have begun to live each passing moment with a purpose-a purpose to give it all.. all that I have, for maybe someday when someone else crosses the path that I took, maybe the road less traveled by, he may find my footprints there.. and may not be as lonely as I were..

The Dance is Alive..

2005-12-21T09:24:00.000-08:00

Though life is inexplicable in all the ways it presents itself, I have come to believe that life is a divine dance. There is within us a spirit whose expression is not words, is not speech. It is only in movement. The body craves to talk, and the dance gives it a voice. Hear it talk if you can see that beauty moves and dances to the tunes that nature sings. Indeed you would know then that dance is a visual poetry... a painting come to life.

An article that I read long back written by 'Jaya C Mehta' published in 'The Times Of India' led me to understand how a painting is seperate from its painter, a poem from its poet and so on. Once complete, the paintings, the poems, all assume an identity of their own, seperate from the creator. But the dance and its dancer are inseperable. They are created and vanished together. The guise, the culture, the passion, the fervour fade away once the dancer stops and he alone can enliven the dance again.

Dance is that realm where each emotion comes to life and each expression is a form of beauty. Where the known and the unknown unite and where reality is one's own manifestation. Where all forms of life under the sky blend in the music of nature in the celebration of the eternal joy of life. This world is God's dance and I shall celebrate his joy in a dance of my own.

To sum up the rhymthic mystery of our lives, I would only like to say,
Blessed is he who has visioned the cosmic trance..
divine is his soul whose dreams can dance.

From a dreamer's heart..

2005-12-19T09:25:00.000-08:00

"The poorest of all men is not the man without a cent, it is the man without a dream."
- Henry Kemp

One who has not known what it is to live life for the purpose of a dream can never understand the profundity of the moments he lives..
For how vain must be that life that lives for no reason at all.. satisfied in moderation.. with no urge to grow.. to spread the wings and roar to the skies as though all were thine.. how aimless.. how unadventurous.
Life is I believe..To have a passion, a fervour, a heartfelt desire.. a longing.. a crave, a zeal, an urge, a thirst. And to let these feelings drive you, drive your life, that's living!

I have but one life.. conforming to a canvas.. and I paint my dreams on it.. embracing them with every colour I can from the palette life offers to me.. knowing that apparently it may not be beautiful to the world, for I ain't an artist.. I am only a dreamer.. and I do not fear to be ugly.. I fear not to dream.. for I have but one life.

Nature's mysterious paths stir in me the desire to expand my vision.. for though the eyes are small.. the vision is in accord to my own self.. my zest to explore.. to discover and re-discover.. the untapped, uncomparable beauty of life. And it is nature that teaches me that the strongest stands that which stands against the flow of the stream.. cutting through the tide.. standing against the storm.. for that's courage. Not to be a rebel but to stand up for dreams.. for desires.. knowing that they may never be a part of reality.. that they may never even come close to being anything more than just feelings. It's courage.. to dream, despite the fact that they may be broken, keeping them close to the heart.. for they instill an elation.. ecstacy for whatever little time they dwell in the eyes..

"I would rather be ashes than dust, a spark burnt out in a brillant blaze than be stifled in dry rot. For man's chief purpose is to live not exist; I shall not waste my days trying to prolong them; I shall use my time."
- Jack London

Smile, for we are blessed..

2005-12-16T11:27:00.000-08:00

"If I were rain I would go where water cannot be found. "
- Rani
12 years

..a thought from an impoverished child.. poverty-stricken and deprived from the 'luxuries' which are the necessities of our lives.

Who says time moves at the same pace for all..? For someone so young, to face the brutalities of life.. time must have moved so swiftly, childhood must have passed in the blink of an eye..
Who says there exists any universal truth..? For someone so innocent, to understand the bitter realities of life, truth must be so different than yours and mine..

When I compare myself.. my life to someone so unfortunate, I feel like a cheater. I feel as though all the things that give me pain are the figments of my imagination, my own creations they all are.. and nothing beyond. Forget experiencing, in the false world that we live in, I don't think I am even capable of imagining how different life could be..
But somewhere along.. every one of us, in our small worlds, find reasons to be happy..to rejoice, for life in itself is a beautiful blessing..

I feel so blessed that I can breathe
so thankful that I can decide where to go..
I can smile at life for no reason at all
God must be so happy to know.."

All is beautiful and all is fair..

2005-12-14T11:59:00.000-08:00

"torn between two conflicting worlds,
the heart and the mind.."

Life's a struggle-to fence, face and fight..
a battle that everyone has to fight for himself.

Life is that ultimate battlefield where we are all alone..
where every other feeling fades away.. except the lust to survive.

But I say it's fair.
Downright Brutal. Naked. But fair..
It's a fairground.. [you win some. you lose some.]

What bothers me.. is a thought. I wonder sometimes, in solitude.. in thought.. whether it's all worth it? I wonder in that defeaning silence, how a soldier feels.. waging a war against an army for reasons that concern him not.. killing people he knows not..? How must be the night of that soldier whose victory is someone's death.. someone whom he never hated.. because he never knew..? What is his prayer to God every night?

I believe, our lives are shadows of these men because somewhere along we are all fighting battles in life. Sometimes for ourselves.. sometimes for no reason. What is disparaging, dishearting is the strike of the thought that we are all really alone and it's not because it's meant to be, but because we have distanced ourselves.. from each other, from our own souls, from God..

It is painful, I agree, to be alone in the crowd. But it must be worse to be among friends and not know how many are true. The count does not matter, but one would be lying if he says that it doesn't weaken him from within to know that some moments that touched his heart where all a lie. Some part of his life was not actually what it seemed to him. Now that's what I call is losing a battle.. a torment for the heart. To believe in something so good.. without realising that it was too good to be true.

I wish sometimes to say that it's unfair. That life's unfair. Cruel, Brutal and Unfair.
But just when these thoughts enter my mind, God reminds me of my blessings in the image of my angels.. the ones he has send for all of us. So what if it's rough, so what if it's crude.. beautiful it is too.
..But life isn't a battle against anyone else. It's a struggle to be better, not than anyone else, but better than our previous selves. Our purpose is to grow, by every breath we breathe.. and so must grow our love, for without compassion .. without companions [the angels the Lord sent for us] in this world we are all alone.

"Betwixt the sufferings, the sorrows, the failures and the frowns.. may our hearts always believe that in His kingdom all is beautiful and all is fair.."

Life..

2005-12-13T06:56:00.000-08:00

Amidst the crowdy streets and muddy roads,
the flashy houses and the dull lives,
the hot heads and the cold hearts,
somewhere amidst these busy worlds.. I stumbled over life..